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Self-Love Journal 1/9/16
I am frustrated lately with mine and Heather’s relationship. I hate to see that she is in so much pain both literally and figuratively. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and you can see that the stress is beginning to take its toll. The financial choices she and Marcus have made have created huge burdens for her. She is the only one that brings in any consistent financial contributions and she is still trying to continue with school and also be there for MJ.
Our relationship is suffering because I see her making the same mistakes over and over. Gary and I have given her options that would help make her life easier and yet she chooses to live in denial and always chooses the hardest path.
It is so hard to watch her do this knowing that it is affecting her health and her future. It is hard to keep my mouth shut and accept the decisions she is making. I am so frustrated and heartbroken. This is what keeps me awake at night. I wish I could make things better for her and I feel so helpless.
Self-Love Journal 1/10/16
It’s 9:30 on Sunday morning and Gary is already at work. Brooke is flying home and Heather will be here shortly. I am going to recruit her into moving the furniture back pre-Christmas.
I can’t believe that I just took the tree down last night. Since New Year’s though we have been pretty busy and I have been gone for almost an entire week of that.
Our furniture is so heavy with the recliners that it will still be a challenge with just the two of us. I don’t want to get Gary involved though because he is so sick. He came home last night and ate dinner and went straight to bed. Poor guy.
MJ is still sick also. I just gave him lovings all day yesterday so that he could rest and not be stressed out.
This morning I did PiYo for my workout for the first time. I think I am really going to like it. It is a crossover between yoga and pilates.
Self-Love Journal 1/11/16
I did PiYo again this morning. I wouldn’t have thought that I would break into such a sweat from doing an exercise 
that is not cardio. However, it seems to be a very good exercise. I can tell that I probably put on a few pounds last week with all of the eating out I did while on the road. It feels good to be exercising again.
Gary is still really sick. I know that if he could have just rested he would probably be better by now. However, I don’t think he will take a day off until next Monday when we leave for our cruise
This week I am swamped with work and detox events. I am rather overwhelmed by it all. So much so that I didn’t well sleep last night again and woke up around 2 am. I pray for peace and efficiency. May I accomplish all that I need to in a timely and efficient manner with calmness in my heart.
Self-Love Journal 1/12/16
Brooke is off to school, Gary is still sleeping for a few more minutes and I am about ready to shower.
Yesterday was office work from 8-5 with only a quick break to eat lunch. I definitely need to have more breaks in between. Today I may have a lunch meeting. However, I am going to set my alarm forn10:30 and do a meditation then as a break. I think this will help my workflow.
I will have to leave at 3:30 today because we have to take Brooke to get her license and then tonight I have a detox presentation at 5:30 til about 8.
I did PiYo again this morning. I can see after a few months of doing this how it will reshape my body. Especially toning my arms which is what I really want to do. Some of these moves are incredibly tough but it will be way awesome when I can master them.
I feel stronger in my core just in the 3 days I have already done them. Although I do have some soreness in my wrist joints. I will take some arthroben to heal that up this morning and tomorrow I should be good as new.
Last night Michael and Ashleigh came over for dinner and the Alabama/Clemson football game. We had a good night and we all called it an early evening and we’re in bed at about 9:30.
Self-Love Journal 1/13/16
I read a Wayne Dyer quote today that “Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others” I understand this and I know that we each have our own journey and lessons in life that we are meant to experience. I just wish I could really apply this and feel the truth of this quote in my relationship with Heather.
I think it would be easier if I didn’t feel like she was always telling me what I want to hear and not the truth. This has always been a source of contention with us and I feel myself getting very angry and resentful when I feel that she is not being honest with me.
I have always put the blame of this aspect of our relationship on her. It is she who is not being honest so it is her 
fault.
I am coming to understand that there is something here for me to learn as well. If not, then I do not believe I would continue to have this experience – over and over.
I am not sure what there is for me to learn. I do know though that what I have been doing has not been working for either Heather or for me. Something I will have to think more on.
Self-Love Journal 1/14/16
Wayne Dyer also says “You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”
I hate to admit it but I am probably pretty good about making Heather feel guilty. And just like this quote it never
makes me happy. Blaming her does not change anything about me.
This year is a year of self-realization. However, I really do not know what it is that I need to learn and accept about me that will change the dynamic I have with my daughter. I do know though that I am tired of this angst, I am tired of this repeat of emotions every few months. I am tired of being disappointed, worried and frustrated. I am tired of dishonesty and lies. I will spend more time on this contemplating it. I have never looked at what I need to change, what I need to do differently to affect a different outcome for myself. I have always focused on changing her. Maybe it is time that I change myself instead.
