Self-Love Journal Week 2

CLICK HERE to see previous journal entries

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Self-Love Journal 9/26/15

As I continue to do the mirror work from the book Life Loves You, I am noticing some changes. I am noticing that I can say “Life Loves Me” a few times before my judgments begin to kick in. I notice that my voice continues to get stronger the longer I look into my eyes and say the words. I also notice that I am seeing evidence of life loving me throughout each day.

Some of these evidences are things that normally occur in my everyday life and I am just choosing to appreciate it more. However, some events I honestly don’t think would have happened if I was not doing this work.

One example of that is a conversation that I had recently with my Mom about that dreaded middle school picture. When I asked my mom for the picture of me in the blue sweater and glasses, she immediately knew which one I was talking about. She was at work and couldn’t talk, but her surprise was evident as she knew I hated this picture. Later when we talked, on the phone, we had a conversation about it and she told me something that she probably told me a hundred different times in different ways but I never really heard it. That day I heard her though. I heard her say that she was sad to know that this picture caused me so much pain because she really loved the little girl in that picture.

It wasn’t until later as I looked at this picture again and I recalled my Mom’s words that I really got what she had been trying to tell me all those years. I was not that picture. I was the beautiful girl with the big glasses. I was the beautiful little girl who finally let her mom curl her hair and make her pretty. I was beautiful just the way I was and she loved me.

The ugly girl was the one who chose not to see herself as she truly was – beautiful and very loved. Instead, I can see that by hating that picture so much over the years that I really hurt my mom’s feelings. She would never say that but looking back I know this is one of the very few times I allowed my mom to do my hair. I was a tomboy and I wanted none of the frilly, girly stuff. When I didn’t like the picture, I was really telling my mom that I didn’t like the way she did my hair and that I really didn’t like the glasses she helped me pick out.

Today, looking back I know that I was just a kid, but I am feeling quite ungrateful. I know that this is not what my mom wanted me to feel, but it is okay. I need to understand how my feelings of self-hate affects those around me.

What I have taken away from the conversation with my mom though is what I truly see as a miracle. I can look at the picture and smile now instead of cringing. I can look at the picture and see a beautiful young girl whose mom loved her a ton.

I received some beautiful emails yesterday regarding the first blog that went out on the Self-Love Project. It was nice to have a confirmation that people feel like they can benefit from a project like this. It was also nice to hear some of the ways they see me as a person.

I think that is really the key to so many of us loving ourselves. If only we could see ourselves through the eyes of others. I write this and immediately I feel the walls go up. Thoughts like oh no…I don’t want that because then everyone will know all my flaws. The great thing about writing is that as soon as a sentence is in front of us we can evaluate its truth easier than if it just flits by in our mind. I laugh because that last statement is ridiculous. I already know that no one can judge me harsher than I judge myself. I also know that if someone did judge me as harshly as I do, that yes I would be hurt. However, I would also feel a kinship with this person because I would understand how much they too were judging themselves.

As I look on the internet, I see other grassroots self-love projects that have sprung up and do not seem to have gone anywhere. I notice though that most of them seem to have happened in this last year. I wonder if the universe is pushing us to tackle this part of ourselves now? From what I have witnessed it seems that people are yearning for a different relationship with themselves. I hope that all of these projects will take off and help lots of people.

Part of me hopes that very few people read what I write. Seeing these other self-love projects, I think that maybe someone else can hold this torch. Maybe someone else can make themselves vulnerable and help others along the way. Then there is a part of me that hopes this project flies like the wind and touches millions of souls. That young girls, women, teenagers and men from all over the world see something about The Self-Love Project by World Wellness Education that calls to them. That they find a resource on our page or an activity that helps them see themselves as the beautiful human beings that they are.

Part of me hopes that millions of people can find a picture of themselves that they once hated and see the girl or boy that deserves to be loved. That more and more of us can begin looking in the mirror and smiling at ourselves. That when we have our picture taken we stand their boldly with our biggest smile instead of looking for something or someone to hide behind.

It will be interesting to see what happens and how many people this project touches. That is truly in God’s hands. I know that miracles are happening because of it and for that I am extremely thankful. Thank You, God!

Self-Love Journal 9/27/15

It’s my sister Marcy’s birthday today. I hope that she is feeling the love that I have for her and that she too is able to start living a life without judgment of herself. As I began this journey, I knew that I was not alone. But I also never knew how deep the judgments and insecurities ran. I have no idea what thoughts run over and over in either of my sister’s or mom’s head. I do know though that we have all spent a good bit of time complaining to each other about our own weight or not wanting to take pictures, etc. In fact at this basic level I think that most of us can remember similar conversations with loved ones and friends.

Yesterday was a challenge. I think the worst part of where I am right now with my weight is having so few clothes that are comfortable to wear. I even wore a new pair of shorts yesterday and although they fit well standing up, I was miserable sitting down in them. My closet and the dresser are full of clothes that I do not fit in. Clothes that haven’t fit me in years. However, I keep hanging on to them, moving them from house to house, hoping that I will be able to wear them someday soon.

I realize now though that this is just another form of judgment that I do every day. I look at my closet and dresser and see that I can’t fit in most of what I have. It is like telling myself every day that I am not good enough the way I am. I am not worthy of having a closet full of clothes that fit me. In fact, it is a scary thought to think of how empty my closet would look if I only had clothes that fit me.

This is a huge realization for me and it is an exercise that I know that I need to do. Over the next week, I will spend some time trying on clothes and packing up the ones that do not fit to give to Brooke. She will then be able to sell them at the local consignment shop. It is a win, win -because it will give her extra money and I will for once in my life have a closet of items that fit me.

I will give myself permission to keep 10 items that I would like to wear again. This way I might be able to keep a few of my favorite things and also provide me with something similar to a security blanket.  However, I am also going to reward myself. If I choose to keep less than 10 items than I will give myself permission to go shopping for that many new items.

As I write this, I am getting kind of excited about the opportunity. This means that I can give myself permission to buy some new pretty outfits. I will be making room for me and when I look in my closet in the future, it will only contain clothes that fit me. 🙂

This has been a great weekend. It is the first weekend Gary and I have had off together in a long time. We started it off yesterday with driving to the beach for a nice walk. There was a walk for pancreatic cancer going on. I thought of my Dad a lot as we walked. Dad had pancreatic cancer when he passed away at only 60 years of age. I have a feeling that if he were alive today he would have a hard time understanding why I am so hard at myself. My memories of my dad do not include a time that I remember him judging anyone else or himself. Dad loved his 4 girls. I remember the love he showed my mom through out the years and the love he showed his 3 daughters.  I still talk to him a lot but wish that I could have a two-way conversation with him. I miss him tons!

In less than an hour, Heather will be her with MJ. I am excited. We will be able to make her breakfast and have an hour or so to visit before she has to work. Then we will get to spend the day with the little man. I am so excited to hold him and play. I bought him 6 of Wayne Dyer’s children’s books at the I Can Do It conference and I look forward to reading them to him.  Later we are going to make homemade spaghetti sauce for the first time and I am expecting a house full of young adults for dinner and football games. It sounds like an absolutely perfect day. I am very happy.

Maybe I will wear sweats and a t-shirt all day so that I feel comfortable. 🙂

Self-Love Journal 9/28/15

This morning I took this journey to a whole new level and although I feel it is very worthwhile it is also very time-consuming. I have already spent two hours and am just now beginning my journaling.

My meditation with Joe Dispenza was a bit longer today. Each week he has you continue a little deeper into the meditation. I have to say that the first week I had difficulties staying with the meditation and my mind would often wander. There were times where I just wanted to finish it early, including today. However, I am so glad that I didn’t. The second part of the meditation today was wonderful. I feel so good and so much better about my day.

I also started Jessica Ortner’s weight loss and body confidence program this morning. Listening to her first webinar took some extra time but it was nice to hear her thoughts on this subject and to realize that I can completely relate to her. I purchased her program with the hopes of just gaining more self-love and body confidence for myself. I had honestly given up on any weight loss program. Nothing has worked and it seems that short of something drastic and completely unhealthy nothing will work. I refuse to try prescription medications to lose weight. Therefore, I had to find another path and that is to rid myself of this self-hate or to choose self-acceptance instead.

When I ask myself how self-hate is working for me, I can honestly say that it is not working at all in any aspect of my life. So therefore, I really am left only with one choice. I have to learn to accept and love myself for who I am today and not for the image I think I should be.

Jessica and her brother Nick have taught me that tapping can help because it helps with our emotions and emotions are ruling our life. Our feelings and actions are ruled by our emotions. Weight gain is just a symptom of something deeper. The emotions we have regarding our body and wanting to lose weight are often obsessive and cause a lot of stress. This stress releases hormones that can cause our body to gain weight.  Pleasure and feeling good about ourselves are feelings that can help us lose weight by releasing hormones that balance the body.

Jessica also said something that I used to say all of the time. “Whatever we resist persists.” I have to laugh because I have definitely been resisting the thoughts about how I look, how I feel about how I look and how much I weigh. And I can see how all of these thoughts and images are persisting to overtake my life.

Another concept she shared today that is so simple is that we take care of what we love. However, when we don’t love ourselves, we tend not to take care of us. I can see this in my actions over the last year. Even though on the outside it probably looks like I am taking care of myself. Trying to eat healthy by staying away from processed foods for the most part and eating whole foods like lots of fruits and vegetables and lean meats. Exercising at least twice per week but usually 3-4 times per week.

I know though that I have not been taking care of myself internally. I am full of self-hate and self-doubt when thinking about how I look. I have felt for a while that my weight issues are as much emotional as what I eat and how I exercise. It is nice to understand finally how that actually works.

I now understand that my emotions are causing the stress in my body that is holding onto this weight. I also know that these emotions are controlling how much I eat, what I eat, how much I exercise and how I exercise. Because there is a conflict of beliefs here, I think that actually is causing more stress. It is like I am fighting myself wherever I turn. I fight myself every time it comes to making a choice of what to eat. Do I eat what I should eat (the healthy part of me)?  Or do I eat what I want to eat (that part of me that says I am fat no matter what, so who cares)? Do I exercise today (the part that wants to be healthy)? Or do I come up with excuses on why I don’t have time to exercise, or only exercise with half the effort (the part of me that says I will always be fat and just gain more weight anyway)?

By doing the exercises and tapping meditations in this course, I have hope that I will finish these 7 weeks with a greater appreciation for my body as it is. However, even though losing weight is no longer as important to me as loving myself no matter what I weigh, I also have hope once again that maybe I can drop a few pounds.

As soon as I wrote that, I immediately felt anxiety and stress, though. Thoughts like be careful, you are setting yourself up for disappointment again. What if you don’t lose any weight? You will have one more reason to hate yourself. Nothing ever works for you.

I really think that the best thing for me and where I am today is just to focus on the body image and not the weight loss. It will be less stressful and  I now realize how stress affects my weight.

Self-Love Journal 9/29/15

Today is a day that I woke up and felt like rebelling.  I don’t want to journal, tap, meditate or do my mirror work. I am really struggling with it and it is already mid-morning. I have an office day today and am home making phone calls and appointments for my next month. I have been doing computer work since before 6 am and all I want to do is put off my self-love work and to continue doing what I get paid to do.

Ugh…I knew these days would happen. However, in the past I would just give in and make an excuse to myself for why I couldn’t do it. That is not so easy to do now though.

I started cleaning out my closet yesterday. I think this will take some time to get through. I did a small little section and threw away two items that are stained and have three items for consignment.

I have been thinking about what would be different in my life if I did unconditionally love myself. I thought I would begin a list of ways that I would be different and I can add to this list throughout the year as I evolve. Right now the list is just things that I would like to see changed. Maybe down the road it will be of ways I have actually changed.

1. To look in the mirror and not judge what I see
2. To be able to smile at me in the mirror and see someone who is worthy of being loved
3. To allow my picture to be taken without cringing or trying to get out of it
4. To not try to hide behind people or things when I am getting my picture taken
5. To allow me to play and be silly without worrying about what others think
6. To allow me to dance and sing without worrying about not being able to carry a tune or hear the beat of the music

This list seems so short compared to most lists I have done in the past. However, even if I never add another item to this list, I will say that I have mastered self-love if I can say that I can do these six things freely and with joy.

Later ———-

I just did my mirror work while sitting in my car and looking into my rearview mirror. In doing this, I realized that I can look myself in my eyes in my small rearview mirror without judgment and with a profound sense of love. Who knows? I think I might experiment with just doing mirror work in my rear view mirror. I noticed that there are no judgments just a contemplation of the words that I am saying and a smile in my eyes. All I can really see is from my nose to the top of my forehead. I think that as I get comfortable doing the mirror work in this fashion that it will be easier to do it in the future in a larger mirror.

Self-Love Journal 9/30/15

I love the Week 1 tapping meditation that Jessica Ortner has in her Weight Loss and Body Confidence course. She touches on so many feelings that I have. It is as she is in my head.

Feelings like being stressed about my weight and frustrated with my body. That I put pressure on myself to look a certain way. How I am so hard on myself.  Feeling like losing weight needs to be difficult and a struggle. Feeling like I need to punish myself and criticize myself when I do something wrong.

I love this meditation because it allows me to be honest about the feelings that I have been having and also to explore another way. To try a different strategy. Something that is more than just losing weight but something that allows me to see my true self and to love that person. A chance to see my true value and worth.

This meditation helps bring more awareness to my thoughts and to allow my life to get better and better. It is helping me learn how to love and appreciate my body the way it is and to treat it with the utmost respect.

To do this, I need to be patient with my body. I need to allow myself to take care of it and release all the stress I have about what it should look like. I need to allow myself to nurture my body with healthy foods and through movement. Knowing that these choices will become easier to make. This is a new beginning, a new start to try something different. Something that can help me see things in a new light.

I just hope that I can remember this new way of thinking when I have to go to the doctor this afternoon and step on that dreaded scale. Ugh…I hate wellness checkups for this main reason. I wish I could cancel it, but I will only be delaying the inevitable.

Self-Love Journal 10/1/15

Well, getting on the scale at the doctor’s office wasn’t the worst thing in the world yesterday. The good news is I haven’t gained anything since I ditched my scale last week. Depending on how heavy my clothes were I think it’s possible that I might have even lost a pound.

I am noticing that I can look in the mirror fully dressed and actually feel comfortable with the way I look. This is nice to be able to do again. It is even nicer not to be thinking “if only I weighed a few pounds less, this would look better or that would look better.” Looking at me in the mirror without clothes is a different experience and one that I don’t think I am ready to accept.

Yesterday, I even had a client comment that it looked like I had lost weight. Yippee! I was so happy, I wanted to jump up and down and clap right there. Of course, I haven’t lost weight since I saw her last. In fact, if anything I have gained weight. However, what she was telling me is that I looked good. I think that this had to do with the fact that I left the house that morning in agreement with her. I did look nice. I was grateful to have this acknowledgment from her and it made me feel really good.

To top off the evening, Gary and I were able to go on a date. We had a lot of fun and enjoyed a nice dinner at Outback and then Pumpkin beer at a local craft brewery. I always enjoy being with him, but I have to say that last night will be in my top 10 of dates.

I am excited for tonight. I get to see Jen and we will be going to a Beautycounter event in Tampa. I love their beauty products and makeup because they are clean and safe to use. It will be a nice evening with some great ladies.

Seeing Jen though is what I am really happy about. I can’t wait to find out her thoughts on the Self-Love Project. I know that she has been excited about the idea of doing something to help herself, me and others accept ourselves for who we really are. We have been talking for months about it and I know that she has several ideas brewing. I am hoping that we will be able to begin implementing them soon.

Self-Love Journal 10/2/15

I love hanging out with Jen and we had so much fun having a slumber party at Lorie’s house last night. The Beautycounter event was great. There were over 80 women talking, laughing, drinking wine and checking out makeup and skin care collections. Then Jen and I came back and brainstormed ways to expand The Self-Love Project.

One thing that we will create is a Self-Love Starter kit. I am excited about putting that together. We also discussed some other possible ways to make it more of a discussion for all of us to partake in. As this moves forward, I am appreciating the feedback and comments from people on the steps they are inspired to take to find self-love in their lives.

Over the last week, I am finding myself a little more accepting of my stomach. This and my arms are probably the two areas of my body that bother me the most. My stomach is more of an issue though because of course it is at the forefront of everything. I am always rubbing it against things and it gets in the way constantly. I still wish that it was smaller and flatter, but I have noticed that there are times that I can put my hands on it and not feel total disgust. I wouldn’t say that I feel love for it but maybe not as harsh or judgmental about it.

Today on the drive home from Tampa, I am going to listen to the chapter on forgiveness in the Life Loves You book. I remember being at the I Can Do It conference and there was a woman in line who had been to one of the forgiveness breakout sessions. She was telling us how great it was and how much she got out of it. I remember commenting that I was okay with forgiveness in my life. She said that she had thought the same but what she realized is that she had never forgiven herself.

I have thought of that a lot in the last few weeks. I realize that I too have never forgiven myself for all of the harsh things I have said about myself and the terrible ways I have treated my soul and my body. I think it is time to start. I am ready for this next step to finding love for myself just the way I am.

Even though I am not perfect, even though I have been mean to myself, even though I have judged and criticized myself – I choose to begin to love and accept myself just the way I am.

CLICK HERE to see previous journal entries

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Self-Love Takeaways Week 2

1. I need to clean out my closet and dressers – My closet and dresser are depressing to look at. They are full of clothes that do not fit me and every morning when I get dressed I am reminded of trying to obtain a weight that I haven’t been able to obtain in years. Some of these clothes are at least 10 years old. They have to go. I will do this with one security blanket. I will allow myself to keep 10 articles of clothing that I would like to wear again and that I have worn in the last year.

To see other Self-Love Takeaways click here.