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Self-Love Journal 10/3/15
Well, this is probably one of the latest times that I have sat to do my daily journaling. I took advantage of sleeping in this morning as I didn’t sleep really well last night. Then we were up and going by 8 am to check out a few garage sales. We need a few baby things for those days when we take care of MJ. We found a nice little chair for him but are still in need of a playpen, high chair, and a baby walker. Hopefully, we will have better luck next weekend.
Today was the first day that it felt like fall here. It was between 65 and 75 all day and although we didn’t see much sun, we also didn’t get rained on which was a huge plus. I had signed us up for the Challenge Nation Jacksonville 2015 event earlier this week. It is a spin-off of the Amazing Race and takes place in over 35 cities across the United States. Gary, Brooke, Allyssa and I did it and had a great time. We solved 11 clues, ran all over the city including a big bridge and took lots 
of pictures. My Fitbit shows that we did about 4 miles and spent an hour and a half in the cardio zone. We finished in 1 hour and 40 minutes and came in 13th place. We were all happy with it and we had lots of laughs and all agreed that we would do it again next year. After the race, we hung out for a little while and then went to the Food Truck Challenge that was happening down at the landing. It was the perfect ending to the day.
I feel like I took huge strides today. I didn’t try to hide behind anyone else in the pictures. I even 
posted them to Facebook at the end without editing them or taking out the ones that I might not have liked. I have to admit that I also haven’t spent a lot of time examining them because I am afraid I will criticize them if I do. However, I will take these baby steps and save some steps for future picture taking events.
I listened to the Forgiveness chapter of the book Life Loves You yesterday on my drive home and realized that I have a lot to forgive myself for. This is something I have never really considered before and I will make some effort to begin this process this week. Tonight, though, I am going to finish my meditation and then probably join Gary by taking a nap on the couch.
Self-Love Journal 10/4/15
Well, the writing of today’s journal is even later than yesterday’s. I am good with that, though. I woke up this morning and wanted to get a little bit of cleaning in before the little man got here. Then when Gary woke up, we went to the grocery store and before we knew it, Heather was here with MJ.
Unfortunately for Gary, I was of little help with today’s chores or the meals. He is such a trooper and a huge help. He not only does more than his share of housework so that we can have MJ every week, but he is also hands-on with the baby. I can see in the next few weeks it will begin to get a 
little easier as MJ is beginning to play with toys and entertain himself for a few minutes. He has had a difficult few months though with very little weight gain, acid reflux, a lot of throwing up and very little napping during the day. Today felt like a turnaround day for him, though. I think we have learned a lot to help soothe his digestive track and make him more comfortable. He still is not napping really at all during the day, but maybe that will turn around when he is feeling better.
I did my mirror work this morning right when I woke up and I just finished my tapping before I began this journal.
I have cleaned out my closet a little more tonight. This is actually a huge undertaking. I probably could have finished it in one shot, but it would have taken several hours. With the time, I am devoting to journaling and the other aspects of this self-love project though I really find it difficult to have that much extra time in one sitting. I am going to make an effort though to have it completed by the end of this week. Hopefully, I will have pictures to post on the blog on Friday showing the completion.
I was thinking today of how many times I compare myself to someone else. I think this is something girls begin to do early. I am not sure if boys do the same. However, I think we always are comparing ourselves with other people. For me, I find that the comparison is usually with people in my age group and usually with women that are skinny and look very put together. I can’t tell whether it is appreciating someone who looks nice or whether it is jealousy or what. I do know though that part of me is always thinking I wish I had skinny legs like she does. I wish that my arms were toned and thin like hers. Wow her waist line is so thin and flat, mine hasn’t looked like that for over 25 years. In the end comparing me with others isn’t about appreciating someone who looks nice, it isn’t about being jealous of them; it is really just another form of judging myself. My legs are chunky, my arms are fat and flabby, my waistline is big and round, blah, blah, blah. The judgments just continue on and on.
It would be really nice to see another lady and not compare myself. I think this is something that I unconsciously do and although it is not something we talk about, I think that it is something that a lot of us do. Maybe when I become less judgmental of myself I will be less like to compare myself against others.
Life loves me and life does not judge me. I am willing to allow life to love me and to live a life without self-judgment.
Self-Love Journal 10/5/15
This morning’s Tapping for Weight Loss and Body Confidence webinar and tapping session was on emotional eating and cravings. This is a powerful topic for me and brought up a ton of emotions that will need some time to process and think on.
One thing that I realized though is that I have spent a lot of time focusing on what to eat and what exercise to do and not how I do these things. For instance with eating, I eat fast and I eat mindlessly. I spend many of my meals eating in front of the TV while reading while doing computer work, while driving, standing in the kitchen or while looking at my phone. I never have a meal that I focus on what I am putting in my mouth, how it tastes, how it makes my body feel and whether or not I am full.
I started off this morning eating at the kitchen table – no phone, to TV, no computer. I took 3 deep breaths before I started eating and focused on how my gluten-free pumpkin waffles tasted. I chewed slowly and paid attention to the texture and the flavors. I have to say that this was hard. I felt like I needed to eat quickly so that I could get to work. I felt like I didn’t have enough time to focus on myself. I think I also felt some anxiety from some of the other emotions that were brought up this morning during the tapping meditations.
Jessica mentioned a quote this morning from the author of the book Women, Food and God, Janine Roth “When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you’re feeling exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart. When the shape of your body no longer matches the shape of your beliefs, the weight disappears and yes, it really is that simple”.
There are so many things to explore in these simple but powerful statements. Today, I have begun to examine the feelings that cause me to eat the wrong foods and overeat. I have also begun to understand that even when eating the right things, how eating with feelings of anxiety, stress, guilt, and shame cause these foods to react differently in my body.
I know that there are times I eat when I am not really hungry, but I am eating because I am feeling one of the following emotions:
- boredom
- overwhelmed
- anxious
- stressed
- tired
- lonely
- sad
I know that even while eating healthy foods for me I often feel:
- anxious
- stressed
- guilt
- shame
- overwhelmed
Looking at why I am eating and how I am eating my food is a whole new experience. It is one I look forward to exploring more even though a part of me is scared. I now understand what Janine Roth was saying when she said “When the shape of your body no longer matches the shape of your beliefs, the weight disappears.” I have seen this amazing life principle occur so many times in my life with work, finances and relationships. The only place that I have had difficulties applying it is with my relationship with myself. I know the reason for this is because I have never been able to come to love myself as I am. I am always saying that I am not good enough and I am unhappy with the way I look. These beliefs will change, though. They are changing and I believe it is possible to find a new way, to come to a new understanding and to love myself for who I am and the way I look at any given time. After all, I really am not this body. I am so much more than that.
Self-Love Journal 10/6/15
I have to say that this mindful eating is probably the most difficult new habit that I have had to do. Yesterday morning at breakfast I noticed that I was very uncomfortable sitting at the kitchen table alone eating without any other distractions such as the TV, a book, my computer or the phone. I also noticed that I eat way too fast. This is not a new observation, just one that I have never thought of doing anything about.
I do know that I probably ate less yesterday because of trying to do mindful eating. However, at 2:30 when still hadn’t had lunch and still had a long list of tasks broke down and had a quest bar while typing away at my computer.
This morning though was easier. I had my organic, gluten-free pumpkin waffles for breakfast while sitting outside enjoying this cooler weather. I noticed that I didn’t feel as rushed. Still a little bit but not as much. It was easier to eat slower, but I still have to be conscious of it and probably will need to focus on this for a while. I enjoyed the quietness and the fresh air. It was nice and something I haven’t done since moving from the beach at the end of July.
I did notice thought that we will have to rearrange the outdoor furniture for the 3rd time since we 
moved. That makes me laugh inside because I usually do not rearrange my stuff but the screen room we have yet to get right. I really would like the table and chairs to face the nice pond out back instead of the townhomes across the street.
Today is Heather’s birthday. I can’t believe she is 21 and a mama herself. I am giving her the book Life Loves You for her birthday and I hope that she finds these lessons for herself quicker than I did. I have been wondering lately how her life would have been different if I had been happier to myself while she was growing up. I know that we all have things that we wish we could change as parents, but it seems these days that I am developing a larger list than I thought I would have.
I know that I can’t change the past and all I can do is focus on the present. That is where the work is and that is where the opportunity for a new beginning is.
We are watching little man tonight and it is our first slumber party. I am excited about seeing him again and look forward to loving on him while Heather goes out and enjoys herself. I wonder how many times she will call and text throughout the night? lol….
I listened to an interview with Jon Gabriel last night and found it very interesting. He lost over 200 lbs after he quit dieting. He had tried every diet prior and found that he was just getting fatter and fatter. In this interview, he talked about a lot. However, a few things that resonated with me were that stress changes the biology in our body and for some of us it causes our bodies’ metabolism to slow and fat to store up. Another thing that he mentioned is taking a minute before bed to visualize the body that you want to have and to do this immediately upon awakening. I did this last night and again this morning and it may be my imagination, but I actually feel skinnier. Since I am not getting on the scale, I can’t verify that but I can say that I got out of bed this morning feeling better about myself.
I am still working on the closet. I would guess that I have at least 50 articles of clothing for consignment and I have thrown away another half dozen pieces. I don’t know if I will be finished by Friday as there is a lot left to do, but I am diligently tackling a little more each day. It just takes a long time to try on each piece of clothing to decide whether or not to keep it. I am surprised though at how full my closet still is. I have a lot more clothes that fit me than I realized. They might fit me better if I lost a few pounds, but that is no longer the point. Wearing them will just give me more opportunities to try to find beauty in the way I am now and not in what I want to be.
Time to run. I have an early appointment that I need to get and then a busy day until I am able to come home and see my 21-year-old and find out how MJ’s 4-month-old checkup went.
Self-Love Journal 10/7/15
Well, I will try to write a little bit before little man gets tired of playing by himself. We had a fun slumber party last night, but he woke up around 4 hungry and wet. After a diaper change and a bottle he fell back to sleep but that was not the same for Grandma. It is only 6:30 now and I am showered and ready to go to Jen’s for an office day at her house. I love it because I can stop at several of my doctor’s offices on my way to her house. She lives in Daytona and my territory for Designs for Health runs through St. Augustine. Today we are going to be working on our Beautycounter business and I am also hoping to implement a few ideas I have for The Self-Love Project.
I cleaned out more of my closet this morning and only have a very small section left. Then it is on to the rest of my dresser. Yesterday, I thought it was impossible to finish this project by Friday and today I am thinking that it might just be possible.
I am feeling like I am making some improvement with having less self-judgment throughout the day. At the very least I am more aware of when and what I am judging myself for. I can at least turn the statements around from “I look fat” to “Maybe I don’t look so bad.”
Self-Love Journal 10/8/15
A few different things have been coming up for me several times of this week.
The first is that mindful eating is harder than I imagined. I guess I have rushed through my meals and eaten blindly for over 45 years that this makes sense. We hear that eating in front of the TV or standing up in the kitchen is bad for us because it is easy to overeat, but this seems to be the end of the discussion. I have never really understood some of the other dynamics at play here and I am still not sure I understand it all.
However, this is what I am learning. By taking 3 deep breaths before eating it seems to center you and bring your attention to where you are at. Not thinking about the past or what you should be doing or need to do in the future. Your focus becomes what you are doing right then and there. The beautiful thing about writing is that it causes you to have additional ah ha moments. Such as I need to take 3 deep breaths a lot more throughout the day so that I can focus my attention more effectively on my intentions. The bad thing about sharing your journals is that they don’t always flow in an order that is easily understood by anyone but you. Now where was I? Focusing on my food and chewing slowly is easier when I am alone than when I am sharing meals with others. However, eating without being in front of the TV, computer, phone, driving, etc. is easier when there are other people around. I get that I am using people as a distraction during my other meals. This is not going to change, though. I believe that I can learn to eat with intention and socialize at the same time. These are just learned behaviors and it will take some time to change.
I spent yesterday working with Jen and we went to lunch at a darling Artisan Kitchen whose slogan is “Food Made with Intention”. I believe in signs and that when something comes up over and over it is the universe telling you something. I believe my angels were telling me that there is more to being mindful about eating. Eating is also about intention.
For instance, I know that my intention around a lot of foods used to be guilt. For instance, if I ate something that I knew was not as healthy for me the 
entire time I ate it I would think about all of the reasons I shouldn’t be eating, how bad it was for me, how awful I was for letting the food win and not having more control. I never ate these things with pleasure; I never enjoyed them without the underlying guilt. I always ate them intending to do better next time. To eat healthier next time or make better choices next time.
Last night we were in downtown Jacksonville at the Art Walk and German Shepherd Meetup. Ashleigh and Brooke wanted to bring Sadie Mae (a friend’s German Shepherd puppy) to the meetup to socialize with other dogs and people. When we got there, we only saw one place that we could really eat and it was getting late so we went to the Grilled Cheese food truck. Now they had great American comfort food and received a reward for the best food truck on Saturday night. Their specialty is grilled cheese sandwiches with mac and cheese. Normally, this meal would be full of guilt but I was hungry and I decided to have new thoughts with this meal. Normally, I would be thinking that I shouldn’t be eating the bread and noodles that were full of gluten and the cheese that was full of dairy. Let’s face it the whole sandwich really is a no-no when it comes to good health. Instead, I set a new intention and I thought about how good it was and how it melted in my mouth after every bite. I remembered how much I used to love grilled cheese sandwiches after school and macaroni and cheese while growing up.
Typically after a meal like this I would wake up feeling bloated and having gained several pounds. I have no idea if I gained weight, since I am still doing well at resisting the temptation to step on it. However, I can say that I do not feel bloated and if anything I think my body is slimming down. It could just be my imagination, but that is okay since this whole exercise in self-love is about changing the way I see myself in my imagination.
Self-Love Journal 10/9/15
Well I am done! Woohoo! I have finished going through my closet, my sweaters and my dresser. I have taken out all of the clothes that no longer fit me and a few that I just didn’t like. I have 93 pieces for Brooke to take to the consignment shop this weekend and I threw away at least 10 pieces that had seen better days. That is over 100 articles of clothing that I just moved from the beach to my new town house. It is over 100 pieces of clothes that were once cramming my very small closets at the beach.
I kept putting off this project because I thought it would mean me giving up on being skinny again. Every time I thought of doing it, I was filled with dread and anxiety. However, once I made the commitment to begin cleaning everything out I was okay. The dread and anxiety were gone and I felt happy doing it. Now that it is done, I am thrilled. I know that what is in my closet fits me and I can wear at any given time.
I actually feel like I just gained a whole new wardrobe because I was only wearing a few different outfits since I did not know what fit me and what didn’t. The most amazing thing is that my closet is still full. It definitely is not crammed but other than only having only one pair of jeans to wear I really don’t need any new clothes. Now that doesn’t mean I won’t buy a few things though. 🙂
I have been journaling about mindful eating a lot this week but it is because I am still having such resistance to doing it. Who knew it would be so hard to not eat while doing something else. Intuitively I know that because this is a huge problem for me it is probably a major player in my weight gain. Over the last several years, I have definitely eaten more meals being distracted by work than I have just sitting enjoying my food.
Breakfast is a little easier because I am able to force myself to sit at the kitchen table or outside for about 5 minutes to eat. I have failed at lunches more often than not this week. Dinners are also easier because we have always eaten most of our meals at the kitchen table. Before I met Gary, I never had the TV on during dinner. Heather and I would use dinner as a great time to catch up and talk about what was happening in our lives. When Gary and I started dating we would eat sitting outside, getting to know each other and enjoying the breeze of the beach. However, since moving into our townhouse we have spent many meals sitting at the kitchen table, still talking but with the TV in the background. I am enjoying turning it to either music or turning it off all together.
Week 3 of this journey is now complete. I have learned so much about myself and how I have been sabotaging my weight and my health. I am glad that I have made the commitment to work on loving myself this year. I am already seeing myself in a different way and I think I will really love the person I am and the person I become throughout this journey.
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Self-Love Takeaways Week 3
- I need to be more mindful while eating – This means centering myself by taking a few deep breaths and paying attention to my food. The texture, the flavors, how I feel while eating it, how it smells. I need to chew fully and eat slower. I need to remove all distractions and eat sitting down. No more TV, phone, or reading while eating.
- Remove the guilt around food – My new intention is that the food I choose to eat nourishes my physical and my emotional body. I enjoy whatever I choose to eat without guilt. I am in tune with what foods are healthy for me and I find pleasure in all my meals without feelings of guilt or remorse.
To see other Self-Love Takeaways click here.